by Dermott “Curly” Mulrooney

MISSPEAKING-GATE 2008! CONTROVERSIAL CONFUSION! LACK OF VERBAL VERACITY! TERMINAL TRUTHLESNESS! FACT-FUDGING FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISEASE CLAIMS YET ANOTHER HIGH-PROFILE VICTIM!

THE HAWKISHLY CONSERVATIVE, WAR-MONGERING PSEUDO-EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES! HE’S FACTUALLY AS NAKED AS HE CAME! HIS MILITARY PONTIFICATION HAS BEEN REVEALED AS NOTHING MORE THAN A SOILED BIRTHDAY SUIT OF BEFUDDLED IGNORANCE!!!

SURELY LIBERALISM HAS WON THE DAY!

“John McCain made a mistake this evening, which as far as I’m concerned, disqualifies him from being president”.

- Ilan Goldenberg, on theHuffington Post

In a momentous victory for the liberal blogosphere and clear-thinking rationalists everywhere, John McCain has made a tragic misstep that could derail his bid for the White House. Senator McCain profoundly confused the conflict timeline in Iraq and attributed certain successes to the surge despite the fact that said surge was not underway (or even announced) at the time. That’s right: the surge’s greatest proponent and America’s ostensible military policy expert has publicly revealed himself to have at best a shaky grasp of the particulars of the military situation in Iraq both past and present.  

He’s done, right? Down for the count. Kaput. Write him off now. Close up shop, Johnny Boy – America has seen your true colors, and we shan’t reward your bumbling, groping ignorance with our precious votes on Election Day.

Sigh. If only I believed that for a second.

The celebratory fireworks display from the left is well underway, nowhere in greater evidence than in the self-congratulatory diatribes of one Keith Olbermann. All over the internet, the torches and pitchforks have come out, but this time the online villagers have a sense of long-awaited righteousness and conviction. Finally, they feel vindicated. Surely the country as a whole will recognize this disingenuous lack of clarity on John McCain’s part! Surely he will be barred from our nation’s highest elected position in the wake of this gaffe to end all gaffes!

Did I already say “sigh?”

Put the champagne back in the fridge, guys. What you’re celebrating is ephemeral and fleeting. Don’t you remember feeling this way before? Isn’t this sense of elation familiar?

Try a little experiment for your friend Dermott. Resist if you can succumbing to the conviction that surely, this time, American voters en masse will vote with their hearts and minds, and prevent an obviously dishonest and poorly informed candidate from gaining our nation’s highest office. Stave off that feeling of elation. Don’t celebrate just yet. Don’t count your chickens of self-righteous validation until they’ve hatched. Not the least because there’s every chance they never will.

Why? Because in the long run, this won’t change anything. American voters will not have their feathers ruffled by a revelation of ignorance from one of their candidates. Doesn’t matter to them. It doesn’t “stick”. That there guy doesn’t know his policy? Hell, join the club, Johnny! Let’s have a beer! Simplistic? Overly general? Perhaps. Doesn’t mean it’s not true.

As much as I wish it were otherwise, this is yet another non-story. The retrospective story of the Bush administration is an endless laundry list of very public gaffes, poor management of various international and domestic issues, deplorable policies…and did we keep him out of the White House the second time around? Nope. We re-elected him, even after four years of easily demonstrable incompetence, war-mongering, stunningly crappy government, AND the de-facto assumption that he had stolen the first election.  

Believe me, I wish that revelations like this could provide me with some kind of assurance that John McCain will not be able to gain the White House. But in my experience, and through my decidedly cynical spectacles, I have yet to see an American public that votes based on solid information. I have not seen an American public that will take this kind of revelation about John McCain to heart.

Now, if Britney Spears had said something like this…I’d expect this country to be up in arms.