Tonight brings us the 7^th George W. Bush State of the Union Address.  With the national approval ratings for the president now only slightly higher than the national approval ratings for herpes lesions, many Americans are facing the prospect of missing this important speech because they feel like they can’t stomach the sight or sound of the man.

 

I feel your pain.

 

To make the State of the Union more palatable, I hereby submit to you, the the Official “Rachel Maddow Show” State of the Union 2007 Drinking Game:

 

How to play:

Call some friends and co-workers and ask if they’ll watch the speech with you.  If you plan to watch in a bar or restaurant, call ahead to make sure they’ll put the speech on for you – the odds (literally) are that the bartender hates Bush as much as the rest of the country, and he or she may not be planning on showing it unless you ask.  Bring a print-out of these guidelines, so you know when to drink.   

 

What to drink:

Beer is the traditional choice for this game.  Near-beer is better than it used to be if you’re not drinking these days (sorry).  If you hate beer but desire booze, try a half-strength highball – put one ounce of your favorite elixir (bourbon, gin, vodka, scotch, cognac, even tequila) in a glass full of ice, and top it all the way up with seltzer, tonic or soda.

 

When to drink:

• If a TV commentator mentions Nancy Pelosi’s outfit or hairstyle – drink once.

 

• If a TV commentator mentions Dick Cheney’s or George W. Bush’s outfit or hairstyle – drink twice.

 

• Standing ovation by both Democrats and Republicans – drink once.

 

• Standing ovation by only Republicans – drink twice.

 

• Standing ovation by only Democrats, yell “It’s a trick!  It’s a trick!  Don’t believe him!” and drink half of what’s in your glass.

 

• If the president is caught on camera kissing any member of Congress – drink once. 

 

• If the person he’s caught kissing is Joe Lieberman again, gargle your drink and try to make yourself barf a little.

 

• Any mention of Saddam Hussein – drink once.

 

• Any mention of the president of Iran – drink once.

 

• If the president actually tries to pronounce the name of the president of Iran – drink twice.

 

• Announcement of a troop increase for Afghanistan – drink twice.

 

• Mention by name of any American killed or wounded in Iraq - drink once, and make an online donation to Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America

 

• Any mention of ethanol – drink once.

 

• Any mention of “clean coal” – drink once.

 

• Any reference to the 72 American miners killed on the job last year – drink twice.

 

• A presidential shout-out to Michael J. Fox – drink once.

 

• Any mention of “compassion” – drink once.

 

• Any obscure Biblical reference – drink once.

 

• Any mention of New Orleans – drink once, and think about making plans to visit New Orleans sometime in the next six months.

 

That’s this year’s game.  You may want to print out this list for yourself ahead of time – you can also add any other expected Bushisms that drive you nuts.

 

Pick a designated driver, of course. Drink water.  Take ibuprofen.  Recommit to reclaiming your country.

Rachel


UPDATE: Now posted at Huffington Post.