The Lionel Show Blog

Grit-TV with Laura Flanders!

LionelShow — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:16:53 -0400

When you’re done listening to Laura Flanders, be sure and go watch her on Grit-TV!

Today on The Lionel Show - Thursday August 21st.

LionelShow — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 08:46:05 -0400

In the wake of Erica Payne’s razor-blade, ray-of-sunshine appearance on our program this past Tuesday, I’m making a conscious effort to be less cynical. Not surprisingly, it’s not working out very well.

It’s these polls. These Godforsaken, never-ceasing, often misleading and usually unsettling polls. Rather than letting me know which candidate the country is getting behind, these polls are starting to feel like something I’m on all fours in front of, if you catch my drift. Take the recent Zogby poll that shows John McCain leading Barack Obama by 5%. Even more unbelievably, the Arizona senator who disavowed an intimate knowledge of economic matters is leading Obama by 9% among those surveyed on who is better equipped to handle the nation’s faltering economy.

I’ve had casual conversations with colleagues who assure me that polls mean nothing, that the results are often baked in to the cake, and that by paying attention to the demographics and numbers of people surveyed, one can usually find a way to make the numbers mean anything.

This doesn’t make me feel any better.

At Long Last - Derm's Blog for Wednesday August 20th!

LionelShow — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 15:43:34 -0400

Just when I thought it was safe to go outside again, along comes a national controversy so rife with grotesque implications that I’m hard pressed to keep up this facade of sanity any longer. Hold all my calls.

If you know me, you know that I’m paranoid by nature. Rose-tinted glasses can find no purchase on my tiny head. I’m allergic to Chill Pills. I’ve been “having a bad day” for almost three years now, and tomorrow ain’t looking so hot either. I’m not well and I spend too much time alone, driven to self-imposed isolation by fever dreams of madmen on the loose and mass graveyards crying out for more customers.

As you may have gathered, my view of the world is dim at best. When I put the “Humanity” disc in my View-Master, I see a hopelessly misshapen, fundamentally flawed band of lunatic castaways, piloting Mother Earth in to the cosmic commode and serving champagne on the flight. As for that famous “benefit of the doubt”, I’m beginning to doubt if I’ll ever dole it out again. My faith in humankind is ever on the wane and shows no signs of waxing. I don’t trust us. Not you, not you, and definitely not that crowd in the AAR chat room (just kidding, Philip11101 – call me!).

An Explanation of Dermott's Tardiness.

LionelShow — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:56:44 -0400

This morning began like any other. At the sound of the alarm, my hand instinctively groped towards my bedside table, gathering a handful of tissues in preparation for the Two Minutes Cry. This done, I rose from my bed and began my morning routine of self-flagellation in front of a full-length mirror, accomplished with the aid of a plastic spatula and a deep reservoir of self-loathing. Donning a coquettishly short kimono to hide the fresh, still-weeping wounds on my buttocks and lower back, I slunk in to the kitchen and poured myself a generous helping of Cod Liver Oil. As I do every morning, I tuned my radio to a fearful squall of white noise and cranked the volume up to 11. It was then that I happened to glance at the time.

The clock read 7:15 A.M. I had done the unthinkable. I had over-slept.

Thus the absence of my usual lengthy blog entry, my friends. But fear not: the show today is chock full of guests, from Paul Waldman to author Michael Erard to comedian Scott Blakeman. That oughta do ya, eh?

Erica Payne on the Web!!!

LionelShow — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:21:24 -0400

We’ve dangled the progressive carrot in front of your face. Now the onus is on you to visit practicalprogress.org and put your money where your mouth is. Hats off the Erica Payne for giving Derm a reason to go on.

Dispatches from the Custodial closet

LionelShow — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:12:58 -0400

Walk through the fire

Fly through the Smoke

See my enemies

At the end of dey rope

Walk on pins and needles

See what they can do

Walk on Gilded Splinters

With the king of the Zulu

- Dr. John

Today on The Lionel Show - Tuesday August 19th.

LionelShow — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 08:47:41 -0400

Working as I do in this Business of Show, I am constantly exposed to The Media in all of its lackluster glory. I am inundated daily with speculation on Barack Obama’s seeming Lack of Landslide potential, and put constantly on edge by the perception that he is not making himself or his policies clear enough to court the Typical American voter (whoever that is). On the international side of things, I am often reduced to a babbling, teary-eyed emotional mess by the unceasing reports of embryonic conflict around the globe. I am hemmed in on all sides by the increasing conviction that John McCain may win in November, and the increasing feeling that there is no concrete way to alter this potential national disaster.

In short, I am the rock against which the salty waves of the National Conversation ceaselessly beat, my ears the embattled organs which sometimes seek to plug themselves against the sound and fury of a tale told by and to a conglomeration of idiots who wouldn’t know progress if it bit ‘em where the sun don’t shine.

Today on The Lionel Show - Monday August 18th.

LionelShow — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:22:04 -0400

Sometimes it is hard to tell whether the world is falling apart before my eyes or if things were always this bad and I just need to be on medication.

A cursory glance at the top news stories this morning reveals widespread turmoil, troubling political upheaval, and the looming prospect of armed conflicts all over the globe. I’m tempted to make myself flashcards detailing all of the potentially explosive situations on the political horizon, but that would be for naught, as the cards would surely be rendered illegible by my hot, salty tears. Let’s take a lighthearted ramble through evidence of the world’s rapidly approaching expiration, shall we?

Rather than suffer through an ugly impeachment process, Pakistan’s President has resigned. Um…yay? Whatever your feelings on Musharaff’s political integrity and whatever your take on our awkward relationship with Pakistan, his departure comes down to one thing: instability. God knows we don’t need anymore of that in world. An equation for you:

INSTABILITY + A RESURGENT TALIBAN + NUKES FLOATING AROUND = PLASTIC SHEETS FOR DERMOTT.

Today on The Lionel Show - Friday August 15th.

LionelShow — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:17:14 -0400

When you hear Lionel talk about “eschewing labels”, he’s not just paying lip service to some far-flung ideal of non-judgmental, non-divisive social and political discourse. He really thinks that these words, these labels, these name-tags and blurbs are meaningless…and I agree with him more and more every day. Further, they are not only meaningless; they are harmful to the body politic in these United States. If there is one single thing we would do well to eradicate from today’s political landscape, it is the melodrama of “us” vs. “them” rhetoric, something that the left and the right are equally guilty of. I’ll say it again: the left and the right are both mired in this largely meaningless, media-hyped, overblown back-and-forth which ultimately only promotes one thing: the argument itself.

Today we will be looking at men and women from both sides of the aisle, from political figures to your everyday man or woman on the street. We will be asking, “Is this person a ‘liberal’, or a ‘conservative’?” The answer will never be as easy to arrive at as you may think, and furthermore no forward-motion is derived from settling on a label and writing it on your neighbor’s forehead. There are good and bad political choices, there are crooked and straight politicians, there are sane, good people and crazy, dangerous ones…but today, on the Lionel Show, there are no labels.

Dispatches from the Janitor's Closet

LionelShow — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:03:21 -0400

Hey you with the pretty face

Welcome to the human race.

- ELO

Bang up detective work from the biggest little State in the Union.

I wonder if they know that Georgia is a country too…

Revenge is a dish best served for $14.01 plus shipping and handling

Would you like to play a game? How about Global Thermonuclear War, or a nice game of chess?

Now THAT’S how you win a debate.

They’re just jealous…

Et tu Italy?

A Portrait of Incongruity

LionelShow — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:33:28 -0400

This one was just too good to leave out. So good, in fact, that I (Derm) decided that it warrants a blog posting all its own.

Today's show was a hell of a lot of fun. Listen and I know you'll agree.

XO,

Derm

Today on The Lionel Show - Thursday August 14th.

LionelShow — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 09:20:07 -0400

When was the last time you were “wowed”? For me, it was last night.

Beginning at 7:30 last evening, my girlfriend and I were taken on a journey in to the dark and dank recesses of the Golden Age of American comedy. Among many other things, the evening proved to be a psycho-surreal glimpse of a bygone age when men were men, gals were gals, and New York City did a brisk bit of business in canned goods (specifically laughter).

Lionel and his better half were kind enough to invite us along to an event at the fabled Friar’s Club in Manhattan. The centerpiece of the evening was an internet broadcast hosted by Pat Cooper, an undisputed legend in the world of fast-talking funnymen. At the venerable age of 80, Mr. Cooper is every bit the enraged and incisively articulate misanthrope, the silver-tongued, rambling knight errant of old-school comedy. Broadcasting from the second flood of 57 E. 55^th Street, Mr. Cooper was joined on the program by Lionel and Dick Capri, another time-honored comic who at one point deadpanned “I do great impressions. Trouble is, all the people I impersonate are dead”.

Brian Katulis on The Lionel Show

LionelShow — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 09:08:01 -0400

You know what the deal is with that War over in Georgia? Me either. Thankfully, Brian Katulis knows all about it. A senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, Mr. Katulis has extensive knowledge of the region, having spent a large portion of his career focusing on the near and middle east. Brian has also served as a consultant to numerous U.S. government agencies, private corporations, and non-governmental organizations on projects in two dozen countries, including Iraq, Pakistan, Yemen, Egypt, Morocco, and Bangladesh. (I’m lucky if I can even find those places on a map, Hallo Ev’ry-Buddeh) His new book “The Prosprity Agenda” provides handy tips for the next administration on how to revive America’s position in the world and keep us safe, prosperous, and secure.

Dr. Bryant Welch, Evra-Buddeh!

LionelShow — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:48:01 -0400

In the second hour, Lionel will be joined by Dr. Bryant Welch, clinical psychologist and author of the new book State of Confusion: Political Manipulation and the Assault on the American Mind. Dr. Welch will provide us with a diagnosis for all of America’s ills, and hopefully will try to convince Derm that while our collective mental disease is certainly metastasizing, it is not necessary terminal.

With Apologies to Juice Yuen...

LionelShow — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:39:53 -0400

Gotta get home, pick up the phone

Gotta let the people know, I’m gonna be late…

- Harry Nilsson

No wonder there’s 1.2 Billion of them…

Blame it on the Rain, or the debilitating Smog…

Talk about a bad time to all get something stuck in both eyes…

Hey, he looks like…nevermind

There is nothing in this world more hopeless and depraved than a Bear in the depths of a Honey Binge…

Today on The Lionel Show - Wednesday August 13th.

LionelShow — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:07:26 -0400

We never cease to amaze me (how’s that for an opening sentence, evra-buddeh?).

Americans, and New Yorkers in particular, are sputtering in histrionic outrage over China’s decision to have a “prettier” 9-year old girl lip-sync to a pre-recorded track sung by a less attractive (albeit genuinely talented) 7-year old vocalist. Let me repeat: Americans, and New Yorkers in particular, are feigning self-righteous outrage at this cunning if abysmally shallow PR decision, apparently made at the behest of a high-ranking Communist Party official.

Do I even need to make the obligatory allusion to the onyx pot admonishing the ebony kettle for its achromatic qualities? More than anywhere else on Earth, The United States of America invented this kind of calculated emphasis on appearances; that’s our thing, man, and it’s plain as day to the rest of the world. Physical appearances and nascent sex appeal enjoy an undisputed pride of place in our culture. The way we look is second only to the Almighty Dollar in terms of social currency in America.

Dispatches from the Janitor's Closet

LionelShow — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:25:34 -0400

I always thought this would be

The land of milk and honey

But I come to find out that

It’s all hate and money

And there’s a canopy of greed holding me down.

- Blind Melon

Tim W. Brown on The Lionel Show!

LionelShow — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:18:43 -0400

In the first hour, Lionel will be joined by Tim W. Brown, an expert and authority on “zine” culture and the world of self-publishing. Mr. Brown is the author of Walking Man, a surreal romp through the world of grassroots self-expression, a satirical look back at the vibrant, heart-on-its-sleeve American “zine” culture of the 80s and 90s. In light of our focus on text messaging and the erosion of communication in the 21^st Century, this oughta be a barn-burner of a discussion. Join us, won’t you?

Today on The Lionel Show - Tuesday August 12th.

LionelShow — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:58:36 -0400

From: Russia

To: Georgia

Sent Tuesday August 12^th

Yo bro! Sorry 4 the bombz…no hard feelingz? Dinner 2nite? TTYL!

Well, folks, it seems you can all breathe a sigh of relief (a privilege denied me due to my all-encompassing fear of the outside world). Russia has either tired or thought better of it’s large-scale tinkle-tinkle contest with the rest of Europe, and is wisely turning down the volume on its aggressive push in to sovereign Georgian territory. Surely the political shockwaves of this military campaign will reverberate in diplomatic circles for some time to come, but it looks like we can expect a cap on civilian casualties for now.

Today on The Lionel Show - Monday August 11th.

LionelShow — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 09:19:37 -0400

By Dermott McCallscreener

Well, folks, it happened: Juice Yuen got hitched.

Talk about a Cecil B. DeMille production! It was a fantastic ceremony, officiated by my father without incident. He even included a plug for the Lionel Show in his closing remarks! Is this guy good or what?

The whole gang was there, and for Derm, it was like worlds colliding. My parents had an extended and by all accounts highly pleasurable conversation with Lionel and his better half. The conversation between Lionel and my father temporarily hit a brick wall when 9-11 came up. Lionel began demanding “Yes, Hank, but where’s the plane? Where’s the plane?” In confused desperation, my father gave Lionel detailed driving directions to the Westchester Airport. At that point they reverted back to a benign discussion of legal matters and obscure Latin phrases for “lock him up and throw away the key” (there are several, apparently).

Ridin' the short bus, with Doobie McIdiot

LionelShow — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:28:28 -0400

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.

- Bob Dylan

David Handler on Lionel!

LionelShow — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:27:00 -0400

In the second hour, Lionel will be joined by classical musician and 20-something entrepreneur David Handler, co-owner of the new NYC hotspot Le Poisson Rouge. Mr. Handler’s elegant addition the New York café culture is a cutting-edge music venue recently opened on the site of the historic New York landmark The Village Gate. Mr. Handler will join us to discuss the role of art in New York, the difference between “high art” and “nightlife”, and the balance his venue seeks to strike between the two. This guy is hip. Think Derm without the stultifying paranoia.

Mr. Handler’s voluminous bio is reproduced below for your edification.

VIDEO: Dermott's Olympic Torch Run

LionelShow — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:18:21 -0400

In honor of the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, Dermott McCallscreener took it upon himself to represent Bohemian shut-ins across the world with his very own Olympic Torch Run.

Today on The Lionel Show - Friday August 8th.

LionelShow — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:53:16 -0400

China.

Doin' Laundry with Juice Yuen, Evra-Buddeh!

LionelShow — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:11:32 -0400

SOUND CLIPS FOR THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 2008

OBLIGATORY CAMPAIGN UPDATES…WHY? I HAVE NO IDEA

1. ECONOMIC SURGE– McCAIN (:07)

Senator John McCain has fully developed his campaign strategy. Take the word, “surge” and apply it everywhere.

2. I’M NOT A HISTORIAN SO I CAN’T CITE YOU EXAMPLES– ROMNEY (:07)