Flickr/Creative Commons/SoggyDan

Jealous John McCain is probably already getting sick of the attention the media, and the country, are lavishing on the Democratic National Convention this week. He might get peeved enough to try and steal the spotlight back - by announcing his VP choice.

Republicans pretended that Biden was a bad choice for Obama - even though they’re scared shitless about what’ll happen when our man starts attacking theirs. With their VP picks, we don’t even have to pretend: all of McCain’s possibilities suck.

Mitt Romney

John McCain can’t remember how many houses he has; the slightly more wealthy Mitt Romney might have some trouble too. Granted, Romney didn’t have to marry into his wealth - but being the son of two politicians didn’t hurt. Does the GOP really want to run as “Rich and Richer” this year? Try framing the Obamas as out-of-touch elitists when both of your candidates have sanctuary mansions and big-money shoes.

During the primary, Romney spent $42.3 million out of his own money to win 271 delegates, which comes out to over $156,000 per delegate - only slightly better than Giuliani. Sure, Romney’s deep pockets might come in handy for McCain, but all that footage of them attacking each other in the primaries will make anything Biden said about Obama look like tiddlywinks. And do they really want to pair the guy who doesn’t know much about the economy with one of the guys whose vulture capitalism helped destroy it? McCain might as well go ahead and pick Phil “nation of whiners” Gramm as his number two.

Rudy Giuliani

“A noun, a verb, and 9/11″ meets “a noun, a verb, and ‘I was a POW’”? The two biggest fake patriots in the country might have difficulty hiding behind the same flag. On the other hand, maybe they are soulmates: both divorced adulterers who have trouble keeping their positions on abortion straight. Does the GOP expect that to rally the base? I doubt it.

Also, I’m looking forward to the vice presidential debate, where we will see Biden bitchslap Rudy over and over again:

Joe Lieberman

Picking your best friend might be tempting, except for the fact that your party, his own constituents, and the entire country hate him. How weak would a McCain-Lieberman ticket look? The pro-choice Lieberman will lose his home state, alienate the Republican base, and get eaten alive by Biden. If McCain wants to see members of his own party all over network television bashing his choice, he should definitely pick Lieberman. Bipartisanship? Please. Americans don’t like traitors, and a man who runs on two tickets within the same decade will look like almost as a big an opportunist as McCain himself.

Bobby Jindal

I hear Las Vegas bookies are already giving out decent odds on McCain’s dying during his first term. Do we really want to elect a thirty-seven-year-old first-time governor (who’s served all of eight months in office) as president? They said Obama was “compensating for lack of experience” by picking Biden - so I’m looking forward to seeing how the thirty-five year gap between McCain and his number two looks to undecided voters. Attacks on Obama are going to ring pretty hollow when the GOP ticket is Tuesdays with Morrie.

Tim Pawlenty

“I’d stand with President Bush if his approval rating was 2 percent.”

That about sums up Tim Pawlenty. Oh, and there’s this. Minnesota was 48th in the nation for investment in its infrastructure, and it shows. The bridge collapse in Minnesota is directly on Pawlenty’s conscience. As Grace Kelly puts it:

For the responsibility leads directly to Republican Governor Pawlenty, since he inherited this. Now into a second term, Republican Governor Pawlenty had plenty of time to fix this or at least have a plan to fix this.

The man who ate cake during Katrina with the man who fiddled while Minnesota fell. Great pairing.

Mike Huckabee

The Hillary-Obama split turned out to be only a minor bump in the road. I can’t say the same for the rifts inside the GOP. With different campaign styles, different constituencies, and different values, watching a McCain-Huckabee ticket’s schizophrenic campaigning is going to be a pleasure. You can’t solidify the base when it’s too hard to conceal that you’re at each other’s throats.

Plus I have some bad news for Huckabee: he does the compassionate conservative shtick pretty well, but not well enough. Does McCain need competition as he auditions for Bush’s third term?

Carly Fiorina

Fiorina is exactly the type of economy-destroying, “socialism-for-the-rich,” scandal-ridden Bush Republican that Americans have learned to hate. While at Hewlett-Packard she helped the company dodge taxes, cut 18,000 jobs, got caught up in a federal investigation for spying on members of her board of directors, and ran the company into the ground. She was fired with a $42 million severance package.

That’s exactly what our country needs, another radical capitalist intent on privitizing the profits and jumping off the sinking ship in a golden parachute.

(and if you want a takedown of McCain’s other possible pick, Mark Sanford, take a look at Jim Moss’s excellent piece.)

There you have it, folks. McCain has no good choices for VP. Even if he goes with an outsider (read: non-white man) like Jindal or Fiorina, McCain is screwed. And beyond that, good luck at stealing some of the 22 million viewers who watched Michelle Obama give her speech last night. McCain’s just not exciting, and neither are his VP choices.